The Devil and Robert Nardelli

by Patrice Sarath, January 12th, 2007, 7:00 am

Heaven and Hell are sorting America’s top business execs, trying to figure out who gets whom.

The Devil says, “All right, what about John D. Rockefeller? Ruthless, richer than…” He stops delicately, out of respect for his adversary, St. Peter. “Built one of the biggest oil empires in the world, and made no bones about crushing his competitors. His name was cursed by more men in his day than mine.”

“Nuh uh,” says St. Peter. “He always tithed to his church and his name has become synonymous with charity. And we’re not against monopolies per se. He belongs with us. Next.”

“Henry Ford,” says the Devil. “Mine. Come on, he created the most dehumanizing working environment of all, the assembly line, and the product he built his empire on spawned an environmental scourge! The adage, ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions’ could have been written about him.”

“Two words,” says St. Peter. “Living wage. He was the first businessman to acknowledge that workers were a part of the economic fabric of a nation and in so doing improved the social conditions, education, health, and prospects of millions of Americans for more than half a century. Plus, as you would know if you bothered to watch PBS, the Ford Foundation does some pretty good stuff.”

The Devil sniffed. “You know they only establish those things because of this little conversation. Fine. Who’s next?”

“Well, Warren Buffett and Bill Gates, but…”

“Yeah, yeah. Besides, I use a Mac. Okay, let’s see. Who’s this guy, Nardelli?”

They both read over the dossier. St. Peter gasped, while his dark counterpart started to chuckle.

“The little devil! He didn’t!”

St. Peter said primly, “I’m afraid it’s no laughing matter. A $210 million severance package when his company is foundering takes avarice to new lows. Well, I’m sure you want him.”

Still laughing, the Devil shook his head. “Eh, I’ve seen worse. The compensation committee for one — talk about self-interest. Those directors sure look out for each other. Now what about that Goldman Sachs guy — a $53 million bonus? You’ve got to be kidding!”