Ford: The leper with the most fingers?

I’m a Ford man but this wasn’t always the case. For years I drove Chevys. I switched in 2001 after my 1978 Chevy Silverado’s throttle linkage busted and sent me white-knuckling it down a major four-lane thoroughfare at 80 mph in rush hour traffic. I spotted an opening, killed the ignition, and pulled a heroic left-hand turn across three lanes of traffic onto a residential street where I eventually coasted to a safe stop. Once I managed to drag that rat-bastard Chevy home and I changed my pants, I swore I’d never buy another General Motors product. Two months later I had my new Ford F-150. It has proven to be a hell of a ride. It’s dependable, well-designed, and tough – or put another way – it is everything the company that built it is not.

Ford Motor is teetering on the edge of the corporate crapper. Its sales are abysmal and it doesn’t have any passenger cars in the pipeline that any reasonable person would want to drive. Ford is so in tune with its target market, it tries to appeal to truck loyalists by trotting out American Idol winner Taylor Hicks – pure marketing genius. Ford does have three things going for it though – the F-series pickup, the Mustang, and the fact that GM also sucks.

Since Ford has restructured more times than Joan Rivers’ cheekbones, and with even more chilling results, I offer Ford this final, once-and-for-all cure for its ills – and I do so gratis, free, on-the-house.

Mothball every plant in North America that builds anything but the F-Series or Mustang. Kill the Super PoliGrip-fueled Mercury and Lincoln brands. Move all other operations to China. At least this way I might ensure that I never have to drive a Silverado again! Why not a Dodge? Laughable, man!