Why does America hate Superman?

by Larry Bills, July 25th, 2006, 8:00 am

Like most children of my generation, I left the theater after seeing Superman in 1978 with the entirely realistic ambition to one day become Superman. All I had to do was figure out how to get those fantastic powers. But my parents, with their irrational rules, refused to let me jump from high countertops and even the roof to test my flying ability. A child’s dream was heartlessly crushed.

I eventually grew up (well, that’s debatable to some) and let Superman go. Superman also eventually let me go by having the nerve to be in movies that increasingly sucked (the less said about Superman III and the unforgivable turd that was Superman IV, the better). As a result, the franchise went into hibernation for 20 years and Batman and Marvel ’s universe of heroes took over the silver screen.

To say that I was excited about Warner Bros.‘ Superman Returns is a big understatement. I knew X-Men mastermind Bryan Singer could rescue the franchise, much as last year’s awesome Batman Begins saved that franchise from the hackery of Joel Schumacher.

So why isn’t it a hit? As of this writing, it’s made $178 million in the US. While not at all shabby in real people money, with a budget near $200 million plus another $40 million for marketing, Warner has no choice but to label it a disappointment. Its poor performance can’t be because the public doesn’t like comic book movies, just look at Spider-Man 2 and Batman Begins - both monster hits, not to mention that they’re good movies. (And to clarify, Superman Returns is a very good flick.) Even not so great entries like X-Men: The Last Stand and Fantastic Four make piles of cash.

So the problem must be with Superman himself. Many people have told me over the years, “I just don’t care much for Superman.” Reasons for this run the gamut from, “He’s boring,” to, “He’s too much of Boy Scout.” You name it. Sure, Superman’s not 14 personalities shy of Sybil in a cowl like Batman, but boring? With those powers? Hell no. Aside from the crime fighting uses, their practical applications alone would be far from dull. You could fly yourself across the country rather than enduring the manners-deficient tot kicking the back of your airline seat for six hours. Super frozen breath? I live in scorching Texas, I’d cover the whole damn place with ice every day of the hellish, six-month-long summer. (Don’t worry, I’d keep plenty of Super Mentos on hand). X-ray vision? The possibilities are endless for that one, all dependent on your level of perviness.

Too much of a Boy Scout? Hardly. After knocking red boots with Lois Lane, he’s got an illegitimate kid in this new movie, and that’s about as far as you can get from a Boy Scout.

After all the hyper-patriotic talk that’s been slung around this decade by both the media and the government, I figured America would love a new move about the ultimate icon who fights for Truth, Justice, and the American Way, but I guess not. I can only hope that when foreign box office gross ($77 million so far) and DVD sales are factored in, both increasingly important to Hollywood profits, Warner Bros. will let Superman fly into another installment. Otherwise, I’m gonna have to start testing those flying powers again, assuming my wife lets me get on the roof.